Category: Atitudes

Attitudes are subtlety developed, but they become the grid through which we intrepret everything. That’s why it is important to examine them.

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Give What You Did Not Receive

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These words sound like an oxymoron. How can you give what you did not receive?

To understand, we need to look back into our formative years.

Our parents got some things right, but they also got some things wrong. There were gaps in our parenting, maybe some gaping holes. Maybe we had parts of our formative years where we had to self-parent or figure things out for ourselves. 

From what I can piece together, my mom was the least-favored child by her mom and the youngest of three. Ironically, Dad was the most favored by his parents and youngest of five. Mom could be wonderfully tender or fiercely jealous and protective. Dad was wrapped up in his own world and rarely made any attempt to meet me in mine, yet he had a love of order and doing things right, which I also appreciate. My parents’ formative years affected mine. They always do.

There were things they did not get from their parents and things I did not get from them. I missed out on some unconditional love, so I learned to be a “good boy”. I also missed out on a lot of appropriate socialization, so I became introverted and insecure.

I have a little saying, “You don’t begin to know how messed up you are until you’re forty.” We grow up thinking our life was normal. Usually there is a part that was not normal or even healthy, but it can take a good while for that to sink in.

We all could make a list of things we did not receive from our parents, our teachers, and others who should have mentored us.

So what? We could think, “I didn’t get (fill in the blank) and I turned out “okay”.  So, we continue the pattern of our parents.

The easiest thing in the world is to repeat our parents’ errors and deficiencies. It comes naturally. We tell ourselves, “I will never (fill in the blank again)”. But these things are sneaky and we often do the same darn thing in a way that superficially looks different, but really is the same trait. We became like our parents!

My adult children could tell some stories about how I insisted their behavior was upstanding in every way. After all, I was a pastor. There were expectations, and those expectations may have been more stressed than love and acceptance. I wanted them to be “a good boy and a good girl”. Their good behavior reflected positively on me.

As a pastor, I was obsessed with my work. It was just different work than my dad’s. I was totally in my world with little time for family.

These are the things I did not get and did not give. They hurt me. They hurt my kids, my wife, and others. Since I was hurt by them so deeply, why would I inflict them on others, especially those I love the most? Why not give them the opposite of what I got, give them what we did not get?

Where my imposed expectations overshowed my unconditional love and acceptance, why not change the balance. There is no trait more noble, more nurturing than love and acceptance. Where the importance of work overshadowed the importance of family, why not flip it. It is not going to mean much if you sacrifice your family for your job.

This is a lesson for me. Maybe you need to hear it too.

Give what you did not receive.

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Staying Balanced

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Keeping our lives balanced is a bit like standing on one foot (which requires balance of a different kind). It’s hard to do for very long. Life throws things at us that draw our attention away from the safeguards and healthy habits that we build into our lives. 

When things get out of balance, we lose perspective and feel overwhelmed or underwhelmed, depressed or anxious.

I am driven by responsibility. In other words, I am obsessive. So, I have to remind myself daily of what it takes for me to stay on an even kneel.

Three words remind me of the of the kinds of activities I need to stay mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy.

Those three words?

Create. Relate. Recreate. 

They are my daily mantra and the things that feed my soul by keeping me calm, purposeful, loving, peaceful, and refreshed.

Create. I get great joy from writing and lighting design. You can check out the lighting design at doo-dads.com. Writing something that gives words to my thoughts and is clarifying for myself and, hopefully, others is incredibly rewarding.

Relate. Many of my activities are solitary. So, I have to remind myself to break out of the bubble and engage with people, whether it is a neighbor, a service provider, or checker at Walmart. Something about this lightens my day. 

When we are inwardly healthy, we tend to be outwardly healthy too. In other words when we take care of ourselves, we are nicer people. An when we are nicer people, it is personally rewarding.

Recreate. There is great value in goofing off. It clears out the cache of preoccupying thoughts and worries like a mental reboot. It might be taking time for a hobby that we enjoy, getting out in nature, physical exercise, visiting a friend, or anything where we are totally present in the moment.

We cannot be helpful to other people if we don’t take care of ourselves.

Years ago, I was listening to radio program about happiness. As it got to the very end the host asked the guest for one last quick bit of advice. Here is what he said:

Read a book.

Take a walk.

Call a friend.

It really is the same mantra.

Staying inwardly happy and healthy is the best thing we can do for ourselves and others. Honestly, we will probably need to remind ourselves of this countless times throughout our lives.

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Nuggets for the New Year

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Here it is: the big flip of the page to 2026. It’s that golden opportunity to reflect on 2025 and to aspire for a better 2026. The trick is combining those noble aspirations with the crush of reality for a hopeful way forward.

But let’s be honest, somewhere about mid-January most of our aspirations for the new year usually get waylaid by the realities of daily life and the difficulty of personal change.

Here are some random thoughts to help us combine those noble aspirations with the crush of reality for a hopeful way forward.

Change is possible. I am not one of those who believes that people never change because I have witnessed life-altering change in my life and in other people.

Change is hard. It is more than a little unlikely that anyone will change something that has been a part of the pattern of their life for several years in a few days or weeks.

Change requires a strategy. It won’t just happen because we wish it to. We have to dig deep, asking ourselves, “What is it really going to take?” There will be a whole subcategory of steps and little changes to get to the desired goal. Work on those little steps.

Change is a process. It is not an event. We have to learn to embrace the process, realizing that we have not arrived, but are in process for all of life. That process will involve some successes and some failures. We are doing great if we can keep the arrow generally pointed in the right direction.

Change requires grace. The great example is God’s grace who accepts us as we are. The great challenge is to accept others as they are, but the greatest challenge may be to accept ourselves as we are. Yet, that is where we are. That is reality.

Change needs acceptance. “What if we never change?” “What if we keep failing?” What if self-loathing sets in and we keep replaying negative mental messages about ourselves? It all comes down to our understanding of God.

If our view of God is someone who is surprised by our failure or sin and somehow changes how he feels about us, we will likely become an obsessive self-improvement freak or someone who feels a bit more righteous than most. That is not the God I know who was fleshed out by Jesus. That’s a god of our own making him more like us than the real God.

Change is not just about us. One of the big parts of changing is becoming more loving. We all have this tendency to get lost in our own little world when the best thing we can do for ourselves and others is to become more loving and focused on others.

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Leroy

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Sometimes writers change things, like names and details. They do it to keep from offending people and to keep from being sued. Occasionally, it is essentially to protect the guilty. 

I am going to tell you a story that is true in its intent, but not in its details.

A few weeks back I walked into a hardware store (It was not really a hardware store.)  looking for a small hook to hang a mosquito zapper on our back porch (also fabricated). My wife is very allergic to mosquito bites and hey cause little burning welts. I am fortunate in that I am rarely bothered by them at all. (This part is true.)

As I entered the store, I was not greeted which is generally the case at this type of local store. However, there was a middle-aged employee standing near the entrance looking at his phone. He seemed to be completely uncaring that a customer just walked through the door and probably needed a little help locating a specific item.

Aimlessly, I started wandering about when I encountered the guy again. He seemed a little peeved that I interrupted his obviousness, but he did eventually lead me to the item I needed.

I was brand new to the area and wanted to be friendly to the people I met. So, I engaged him on our little journey to the correct isle. I told him I was new around here and asked him for his best advice for a new-comer.

This is what I got: (This part is true and verbatim.)

  • “People move here but they don’t stay.” (How’s that for a friendly welcome?)
  • “It’s an okay place to live if you have made your living, but it is not a good place to make a living.”  (He may have a point if there is a lack of good paying jobs in the area, but it seemed like an odd welcome.)
  • “We don’t have much to offer. The schools here are not good.” (My grand-daughter has two kids in school here and loves the schools.)
  • I tried changing the subject to local restaurants mentioning a restaurant in Middlesboro, which is probably the best restaurant in the area. Not, surprisingly, he didn’t like it either. 
  • Oddly, he did invite me to church. I spent a sizable chunk of my life in church work, but I really didn’t want whatever he had.
  • I turned to ask a question about my item, but he was in the process of making a quick retreat.

Everyone else I have met here has been wonderfully friendly and gracious. So, this guy was an anomaly. I will name him Leroy (not his real name, of course).

I have found people like Leroy everywhere, especially in online comment sections where they can anonymously let their negativity, cynicism, and anger rip.

I have noticed that wherever there is something new and exciting happening in an area, most of the online comments will be negative and cynical. 

On the political stage it is even worse, the opponent or the other party will be ridiculed and vilified, but never really listened to. The most bizarre example from the other side will be held up as a straw man to show how stupid, corrupt, immoral, downright evil, and un-American the other side really is. Most of the effort goes to political infighting rather than getting the work of the American people done.

Being negative is the easiest thing in the world because there are so many things wrong. Ranting about it is a knee jerk reaction. It takes little thought and effort. 

Doing something about it is hard. Improving the situation takes time. Listening to other people with different experiences and perspectives takes patience and empathy. Being positive in a world full of negativity takes serious effort. Loving people, especially those who have different opinions is difficult, but that is what loving your neighbor is all about.

My apologies to everyone named Leroy.

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Tetris and Life

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I am not a game person. They seem like a waste of mental energy and pointless competition. But I have some exceptions. I like the interaction that games encourage. You get to let your hair down and have some fun with people. Scrabble has some appeal because at least you are making words. I so predate video games that I remember Asteroids and Pacman. The only video game I ever played much was Tetris which I played on my son’s original Gameboy.

The game reminds me of a couple of things. I am good at packing things, like cars for road trips and moving trucks. My son reminded me that it is like a giant game of Tetris. He also said he doesn’t know how to pack a car to this day because I always did it.

Tetris also reminds me of big projects with a lot of moving pieces and things that need to be decided at a seemingly increasing rate. 

This move we are making to Tennessee is that kind of project. The fact that our son and family are moving at about the same time adds an additional element as we try to figure out how to get our stuff done and help each other. We just merged our calendars a few days ago. It looks like our lull might be short-lived as I need to make several phone calls this week and hopefully move Patty’s Beadmomma shop and my library to storage.

I have been responsible for numerous large projects on the job and at home. They seem like a never-ending story. You make a list and dive into an item only to find another long list that you didn’t really count on. Finally, you think you are done but discover more things that need attention. Almost always with big projects something goes wrong or something unexpected happens. 

Have you ever thought about how much of life, or any job, or any craft is problem solving? Our response to those problems is a key juncture. You can get depressed. I have done that. You can get mad. I have done that. Or you can get busy dealing with it. Sometimes I have done that. Positive energy is always better than negative energy. One works at getting things done. The other digs a deeper hole.

I hope this all makes some sense.

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Avoiding the Void

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One of the most dangerous things in life is having nothing to do. I bring up the topic because we are in a bit of a waiting period right now. 

We have been talking about moving south for several years, but we never found anything that we both liked and could afford near the east coast of Georgia or either coast in Florida. Increased traffic, hurricanes, and the outrageous cost of homeowners insurance were all on our list of negatives.

Then our son and daughter-in-law purchased nine acres in the mountains of northeastern Tennessee. Just before that my cousin who lives in Orlando reminded us of the importance of being near family, especially at or our age. It was a wake-up call. So, we changed our focus to Tennessee to be near our family. We really like the mountains too. 

Every move we have made has been a rush deal. This one allows us time to be thoughtful and deliberative about each step, that’s the luxury of being retired. 

We cleaned the place out taking a massive load to Goodwill last September.  In October we checked out our target area in Tennessee near Cumberland Gap. We did another massive clean-up in February, along with fixing those little things you get used to ignoring. We spruced things and then met with our realtor last week.

Her market study fortunately pointed to an asking price that is considerably more than I was expecting, thanks to recent updates and a tight sellers’ market.

We are waiting until April 11th to put the house on the market so I can do one more lighting show and not have to move existing stock. Also, we wanted to get into spring since it is a better time to sell. Now for about four weeks, we have a lull in the activity.

Patty’s Beadmomma shop is all packed up and my Doo-Dads shop will be packed up after that last show in April. We will put all that in storage and stage that area of the house for showing.

There isn’t much of anything to do around the house.

We have a three to four week-long void, a waiting period before things get busy.

My main activities are household projects, lighting, and writing. I add in exercise, playing with Odie or walking him, and guitar playing. I have some ideas about trying some new things once we get moved, like axe-throwing (really), playing pickle ball, doing advocacy work, and additional writing. However, I am reluctant to start new things now since I won’t be here long. 

We are trying to be proactive in this whole moving process and avoid last minute scrambling. This lull will soon pass, even if it seems lengthy now.

When I made a huge career change and was looking for a new job. It was, perhaps, the most frustrating time in my life. I was so passionate about my work that it was my life. I didn’t know what to do next. I couldn’t get prospective employers to recognize my experience and skills that were transferable. Being in my 50’s and 60’s also hurt my chances. Eventually, I retired and had to re-invent myself. I finally have peace with that.

The point is, “You got to have something to do.”

This is extremely important when you retire. I have known people who floundered in their later years and those who prospered. I have known those who obsessed over the trivial and I have also known those who always had something to do that they enjoyed. 

Activity and creativity, both physical and mental, along with meaningful relationships give life meaning. Without it, things become routine, boring, and depressing. We need distraction from our own obsessive thoughts. We need to create and connect. We need to stay curious and engaged. This is beginning to read like an article in the AARP magazine. Yet, it is so true, especially for those of us who are retired.

My void will soon pass. I try to build in a little “voidness” when involved in major projects because it usually gets filled up by unexpected things.

Don’t succumb to the void. Try some things. Do some good. Have some fun.

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Simplification

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It’s time for us to do a final clean out of our house before we meet with our realtor March 1st and put our home of twenty-five years on the market in early April. Fortunately, we also did some of this last fall knowing this time was coming. 

We have gotten rid of lots of stuff, including a few SUV loads to Goodwill, bunches to the garbage, the metals re-cycler, and the enterprising folks who drive by the day before trash pick-up and throw stuff in their car or truck. Thank you all! 

Now we are getting the place spiffy for showing and I am so glad we allowed plenty of time for this process. Previous moves have involved a lot of pressure and rushing. Moving is a huge project with plenty of stresses without waiting until last minute.

As we get rid of stuff our life becomes simpler. If we don’t, one day all our possessions will become a burden to us or our kids. No, thank you!

There are other virtues to thinning out our possessions. When we get rid of the excess, we can find the good stuff, the things we need and should hang onto. Moving costs will be less and our new home won’t get immediately filled with clutter. We have been looking at places on Zillow for a long time and clutter in a photo is huge buzzkill.

Simplification and organization are close cousins. About fifteen years ago, I finally got our legacy documents in order, and I put together simple instructions so that a person off the street could pay our bills and manage our affairs. Simplification is a lot of work up-front but makes things significantly better for all concerned.

Some people think they are at their best when they are multi-tasking, though research shows otherwise. Since we can only do one thing at a time, it works better to make a list and prioritize it and get going. That’s the pathway to simplification.

I get a lot of joy out of accomplishment, scratching things off my list and enjoying the order and beauty left behind. Also, it’s a good feeling just knowing it’s done.

Simple is good!

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Wintertime Rhyme

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You get off to such a fine start.

With Thanksgiving and Christmas, that first snowfall is a work of art.

But you overstay your welcome as your beauty quickly fades into a massive filthy slushy and white glaze of salt.

Your refreshing chill turns bitter, and you must be removed, or everything comes to a sudden halt.

Days begin in the dark and quickly retreat back into the blackness.

Causing us to feel unproductive and desire high doses of carbs and snacks because we feel our own slackness.

There are winter sports and things to do outdoors if you don’t mind freezing you’re a__ off. 

So, we stay in our toasty box like one under house arrest, nursing a persistent cough.

But hope springs forth.

Just a big tease reminding us that you could reappear at any time. Nice days are still a longway off because we live in the north.

The Danish practice hygge (pronounced hoo-gah), is a quality of comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment and well-being. 

But I am not Danish, though I love their pastry, but with winter, I am not agreeing.

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The Blank Slate

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Welcome to day one of 2025. Every day of this entire year is “yet to be determined.” I have a sense of excitement at the beginning of every year. There are new things I want to explore, new disciplines I want to acquire, and some crappy things I want to leave far, far behind.

The slate is indeed blank in that nothing has yet been written. However, we drag the same, old us into the new year. Like a poorly erased chalk board of old, you can see the “ghosting” of what was there before, and it affects our newly written aspirations.

The memories, the people, and incidents that shaped our lives are as strong as ever. We can’t simply wipe them away because we turned a page on a calendar.

There will be curve balls that come our way this year, things we didn’t expect or want. How we respond to those things is more important than the things we respond to. It’s the part we can control.

Repetition is a key factor. There are certain things I remind myself every day in prayer.

Change that requires the elimination of an unwanted habit is the hardest. Replacement works better than just trying real hard not to do it. Replace a bad habit with a good one, something you enjoy.

This new year will have its ups and downs. We will probably rise to the challenge at times and not so much at other times. There will be times that we will flat out fail. God gives us grace. He is used to our failures, but it doesn’t change how he loves us. We need to accept his grace and move on in strength. 

Rejoice if the arrow is pointed the right direction.

Maybe the most important thing about moving into 2025 it the commitment to get back up when we stumble. It’s not just the year that is a blank slate, every day is a blank slate.

Happy New Year, friends!

Please share this with others through Facebook or glennhager.com

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Thanks-thinking

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When I pray and when I think, I tend to labor over what is wrong, what needs to be fixed. These are the black specks on the blank piece of white paper. I focus on what’s wrong with other people and especially what’s wrong with me, and, of course, what’s wrong with the world.

That makes for a long, heavy list.

But there are some things that are right.

It’s a healing exercise to look for these reasons for gratitude and it brings balance to our lives. Lastly, it is a great privilege to celebrate what is right, beautiful, truthful, joyous, and loving, and be a part of it, on this Thanksgiving Day and every day.

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Relearning the Value of Physical Work

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I was tired. Really tired! I might even have experienced heat exhaustion. Anyway, it was hot, ninety-five degrees to be exact, and I was exhausted. Moving dirt, laying sod and pushing a lawn roller filled with water is hard work even when it is not scorching.

But I feel fulfilled being tired from physical work. I like making a difference. In this case, I am making a difference in the way my lawn looks. 

I should explain. I had some waterproofing work done just a few days ago. Unfortunately, one of the basement windows that was worked on was underneath a small deck off our bedroom. So, with my son’s help, I tore that deck down.

Back to the project. I wanted to raise the elevation on two sides of my house. So, I had five cubic yards of dirt delivered. It might not sound like a lot to you, but we are talking about a dump truck load of topsoil. It was grueling moving it one wheel barrel load at a time to the far side of the house. Again, my son helped me. That took us one day and a fraction of another. The next day, I hauled and laid twenty-six rolls of sod from a local sod farm. That’s six hundred and fifty pounds of sod.

But the big project remains, building a ten by twenty-one-foot deck to replace the little deck we tore out. It will connect with a paver deck off the kitchen and I’m just getting started on that.

I am no experienced builder. I did build a large deck over twenty years ago, but I had an experienced person helping me. So, I am leaning heavily upon advice from the friendly folks at Menard’s and how-to YouTube videos. It should be interesting.

I marvel at how we as a culture have turned away from hard work, hiring it out to professionals, and often, to emigrants who willingly staff these types of positions that the rest of us seem to think we are too good for.

Many city dwellers seem to be willfully ignorant of how to maintain their property and are totally at the mercy of hired professionals. So, there is an obvious economic benefit to learning how to do a few things for ourselves.

However, there a value in doing physical work that is far more important than the economic benefits. It’s the satisfaction that comes from saying, “I did that. I built that. I repaired that myself.” When we look back at a completed project, we realize we did something that took us out of our comfort zone and caused us to learn a new skill. We ran into some obstacles, but overcame them. It’s not perfect, but it looks pretty darn good. We learned. We persevered. We finished. We created something.

Physical work is therapy. When you are working hard, you don’t think or worry about anything else. It washes out all the mental preoccupations that haunt us.

One more thing. We live in a virtual reality. On Facebook, Linked In, and Twitter, we craft an image of ourselves that we want to present to the world. It’s an easy thing to get addicted to.

We’ve all been in a restaurant and observed a young couple at a nearby table more mesmerized with their phones than each other. Our cute little pursuit can become a monster that consumes us and keeps us from experiencing reality and interacting with people face-to-face in the real world. But, if we are working with someone else, our work becomes a real life bonding opportunity.  

I need to move away from the computer now, I have a lot of work to do.

This post was originally published in 2017 in the Kenosha News and on this blog.

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The Power of And

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and

Or is exclusive.

And is inclusive.

Or makes enemies.

And makes friends.

Or gets its way or blocks the way.

And gives a little, learns a lot, and finds a way.

Or vilifies.

And reaches out.

Or believes it has the truth.

And believes there is more to learn.

Or is a false choice.

And finds a third way.

Or is arrogant.

And is humble.

Or values paradigms.

And values people.

Or manipulates.

And doesn’t fall for it.

Or is a brand.

And refuses to be branded.

Or accepts the spiel.

And scrutinizes propaganda.

Or hates additional information.

And seeks it out.

Or never changes its opinion.

And may or may not change its opinion, but it will enhance its understanding. 

Or is sanctimonious.

And is empathetic.

Or is closed.

And is open.

Or is done.

And is growing.

This post was originally published in 2016.

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Compensating

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Sunday, June 20th, 2021, was a good day. It was after all, Father’s Day. Later in the day we were going over to my son’s for one our raucous family gatherings. So, I had time to hang my new backyard party lights, but soon things took a sudden turn south. 

I confess, my ladder was on less than staple footing. I did a nice backflip but did not stick the landing. My right arm and right leg were underneath me as I landed, which means I messed up my right arm and my right leg. I hobbled around for a few days, took avail for a few weeks, and eventually, felt better. I thought I was all healed up. 

My right shoulder hurt a little bit when I had to reach a certain way for something, but I simply dealt with it by finding less painful ways to get the job down. It was a range of motion issue and it let me alone unless I challenged it. It would briefly hurt several times a day, depending on what I was doing, but it did not change my lifestyle. However, at night, it would sometimes hurt so bad it would wake me up. Honestly, I ignored it.

About seven months later I mentioned it to my doctor during my annual checkup. He labeled it,  “Impingement Syndrome of the Right Shoulder”, defined as follows:

Impingement syndrome describes a condition in which the tendons of the rotator cuff of the shoulder are pinched as they pass between the top of the upper arm (humerus) and the tip of the shoulder (acromion). The rotator cuff is a group of four muscles and bones that share a common tendon.

The good doctor referred me to a physical therapist. Currently, I have had five appointments, with more to follow.

My therapist revealed somethings about the afore mentioned joint. I was using it in an entirely unnatural fashion, more like a hinge than a shoulder. It functioned totally differently than my left shoulder. And other muscles were attempting to perform its function.

In short, it was messed up and my ignoring it for seven months was a bad idea because it re-enforced a lot of bad behavior in the way that part of my body functioned. It took several appointments to just get where I could do some of the exercises properly and finally begin to see some improvement.

I didn’t do anything about it for so long it because I had figured out how to get by and just ignored the flashes of pain.

As I attempt to live life with my eyes and mind open, it occurs to me that we all compensate in some manner, mentally and emotionally to avoid some kind of pain.

I have a theory that parents mess up and mess their kids up to varying degrees. They weren’t perfect. Parents have their issues which begat issues in their children. I believe we grow up thinking our family life was normal because it was our only personal experience with being a family. It is all we really know. 

I believe that at about forty years of age, it crosses our minds, that maybe everything was not so normal, or healthy, in our formative years. The result may be some “injuries” that we may live with for a long time before we ever really think about them. 

We find ways to get by. We compensate, or perhaps, over-compensate and life goes on. 

We might have an “injury” that needs to get healed up in order to function more “normally.”

This is all based upon my experience and observations. So, I am wondering if it makes sense to you.

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Cursing the Darkness : Lighting a Candle

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“Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.” – ancient Chinese proverb

This is the post that I have been wanting (and dreading) to write for months. It violates that age-old admonishment to avoid discussing religion and politics. If fact, they may be the two most important things to talk about. We just need to re-learn how to have these conversations. 

Cursing the darkness (CTD) is easy. Lighting a candle (KAC) is hard. But we first need to know where the darkness is, so we know where to show up with our candle. 

CTD: Either/or thinking. It’s easy when you only have two choices. Embrace one. Reject or vilify the other. It is easy to hitch our wagon to a political party that exists only to consolidate money and power. We can embrace an ideology that works out about seventy percent of the time, but fails miserably the other thirty percent. Political parties thrive on this.

LAC: Listen to differing perspectives. Because of our experiences and a number of other factors we will lean one way or the other. But there is always another side, perhaps several, that deserve  hearing. We need to be our own information gathers and make our own decisions. Usually, there is something new to learn, since it is highly unlikely that we already know everything about anything. There will be nuggets of truth scattered here and there and strains of ideas that don’t hold up well under scrutiny through all of the perspectives. It takes patience, personal responsibility, and discernment to gather our own information and sift through various ideas. It is easier to t get riled up and join a social/political tribe.

CTD: Vilifying the opposition. This is the easiest thing ever. Find an extreme example from the other side and laugh at their stupidity. Make fun of them. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. It’s easier to rile up a television audience than to truly inform them on an issue. This is what keeps up the ratings on opinion shows on cable news networks. It’s easier to generate heat than light. The result is hatred and paralysis which has become the prevalent mode in our government and populace at large.

LAC: Work with people who differ. We all have strong opinions, but the only way to move forward as a community or a nation is to work together. We don’t have to agree on everything. We just need to find some things that we can move forward on together. Again, it’s work. It takes compassion to hear out someone else and learn how to negotiate.

CTD: Stereotyping people. Democrats. Republicans. Blacks. Hispanics. Women. Old white guys. Them. It’s easy to think of people in terms of groups, as though all Hispanics (or whomever) are all the same. That’s been true every time a prevalent culture has mistreated a minority.

LAC: Get to know individuals. It will bring a rich, new texture to our understanding, resulting in being surprised by how much we are alike and how much we have to learn from each other.

These are things we all can do. But, please, let’s stop ripping ourselves apart as a nation, as a people, and move forward!

“December 12 2007 day 62 – Holding candles…” by DeathByBokeh is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0 

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Ditch Digging and Dining Room Tables

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Something beautiful happens in ditches and dining rooms. More specifically, it happens when we dig a ditch with another laborer and share our table with another diner.

Chip Gains introduced me to that concept. Chip and his wife Joanna are the stars of the hit HGTV show, Fixer Upper. Chip is the real estate guy and contractor. Joanna is the designer and decorator. They are entrepreneurs who somehow run real estate, contracting, and retail businesses. On top of that, they also have their own hit TV show, their own magazine, bestselling books, a B&B, and a restaurant. Somehow, they manage to keep all of these balls in the air while raising four children. Joanna has a remarkable eye for redesigning homes. Chip likes physical work and seems to be able to do about anything in the construction field.

In his book, Capital Gains: Smart Things I Learned by Doing Stupid Stuff, Chip tells a parable about digging a ditch with a co-worker who is very different from him and has different views on the issues and politics of the day.

As the day of hard work wears on, the two have many opportunities for conversation. They each learn a few simple things about the other, where they’re from, how many kids they have, and what they like to eat for lunch. They begin to feel comfortable and share a few laughs together as the relationship grows deeper. There are things they really like about each other, somethings they don’t understand, and some things that are just plain different.

While the job continues through coming days, the one ditch digger decides to invite his coworker to his home for dinner. Many topics come up as he learns more about his new friend. He is intrigued by him and grows increasing fond of him, though he was introduced to some new perspectives that he had never thought much about before.

There are considerable lessons to mine from this parable.

Two people who were very different from each other were in close proximity. Both were out of their comfort zone. It is much easier to hang out with our own tribe. These days that especially applies to people who share our political beliefs. But how can we possibly grow if we never hear a new perspective and if our views are never challenged? One way of living life is safe and affirming, the other is challenging and enlightening, and we get to choose which it is.

They were involved in a common task which gave them a point of connection. There is nothing like working together to accomplish a central objective to draw people into relationships. You have the same goal and you are working side-by-side to accomplish it.

Someone took the initiative to reach out. We have a choice there in the ditch, our workplace, or our neighborhood. We can keep our head down and our mouth shut. We can further our belief that we have little in common with our coworker, neighbor, or whomever. We can continue to harbor stereotypes. Or we can reach out.

The co-workers took baby steps in deepening their relationship. Nobody forced it. They just let it naturally develop with a desire to get to know each other and be enriched by what the other person adds to their life. The motivation? They simply treated each other with a common respect. They were curious and open-minded. They believed in the worth and dignity of another human being, no matter what their views or ethnic origins.

They were tolerant of and even embraced their differences. Sometimes a strange new idea would be revealed, but they didn’t let the differences become the focus of the relationship. Instead it became something they tried to understand, though perhaps, they would never fully understand or agree on the matter. That’s okay, because the relationship wasn’t defined by their few differences, but by their many commonalities.

Like all good parables, this one is simple, but terribly challenging. It describes two very different people working together to achieve a common objective. In the process, they began to understand each other.

This post is from my January column in the Kenosha News.

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Fake TV

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In this supposed golden age of television, I am having a hard time finding programs I want to watch. Having recently switched to Amazon Fire Stick and Hulu Live, I have found a few movies and series that are pleasant new discoveries, but it seems the vast majority misses whatever it is I am looking for.

Here is what I have found.

Reality Shows. These have never appealed to me because they simply are not real, in the least. They are about backbiting, eye candy, and stupid games. I do make one exception, Deadliest Catch, which is more real, dealing with elements like weather conditions and personalities. Also, it is brilliantly edited and produced.

Dark Shows. I have found some new shows produced by the likes of Amazon and other companies outside of the realm of broadcast TV, that have high production standards. But most of them are very dark, dealing with the worse of humanity. They are all about lying, cheating, stealing, breaking the law, murdering people, and anything disgusting. I am all about a good story and I am no prude, but copious amounts of gratuitous gore and profanity turn me off because they are so overdone and way beyond the realm of reality. There are story lines not set in the zombie apocalypse or a dystopian future. We need more imagination.

Hallmark Shows. Incidentally, this post was almost entitled “It’s Not a Hallmark World”. Some people love these shows and movies because of what they don’t have: profanity, violence, and dark themes. But in real life people get cold in the winter. We all don’t have beautiful cabins in Vermont or fall in love with a gorgeous, recently windowed man or woman. Real people and real families struggle with poverty, addiction, illness, and personality and relationship issues. It is foolish fantasy, and even uncaring, to try to avoid getting our hands dirty with reality preferring to escape into our bubble of safety and comfort.

News Shows. Cable news shows are, for the most part, not news. Worse, they are annoying. Chattering heads who differ with each other, don’t answer questions, and spout partisan nonsense have worn out their welcome. So-called news shows that drive their partisan agenda by vilifying and ridiculing the most outlandish representatives of the “other side” are stupid. There are still a few real journalists out there. There are still people who will press for answers to important questions, but they are few. Seek them out.

Real life is not filled with pretty people playing stupid “reality” games. Life is real enough. Real life is not some sort of bubble which only wholesome stuff happens. Life has some serious ugliness. But real life is not all darkness where everybody is constantly up to something evil either. Life has a lot of beauty, love, and kindness. Real life is not all people arguing and hating each other, though there certainly is way too much of it. Sometimes, we even have respectful, civil discussions.

 

Thankfully, television is fake.

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Are You S.A.D.?

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I have become a bona-fide winter hater. I didn’t used to mind it much, but after weathering sixty-three of them, I have had it with winter. Short days, slippery roads, and snow blowing the driveway give me no joy. My body aches more. I eat more. I sleep more. I complain more. I have less energy and ambition.

I used to think that S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) was for sissies. I was so busy that the weather didn’t really matter. But now I think all of these winters have had a cumulative effect on me.

S.A.D. was named in 1984 by Norman E. Rosenthal. I remember thinking, what a stupid name for not liking winter. But it is a real mood disorder for people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year while experiencing depressive symptoms at the same time each year, usually in the winter. The symptoms include sleeping too much, eating too much (especially carbs), having little energy, and feeling depressed. Sounds familiar.

Not surprisingly, the prevalence of S.A.D. is uneven throughout the country, affecting nearly ten percent of the population in Alaska and a little over one percent of the people in Florida.

That’s part of the problem for me. I have been to the beaches of Florida several times. Even though it is usually in the spring when we visit, my Weather Channel app reveals the temperatures there change very little when the calendar rolls over to January and February. When I see a high of eighty-one degrees there and five degrees here, it makes me question my sanity.

I much prefer sandy beaches over snowy landscapes where streets and parking lots turn into gray slushy, refrozen messes for months at a time as our cars turn a dirty white from salt and winter road slop. I prefer wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and flip flops rather than big coats that get in your way in the car, restaurants, and movie theaters. I like seeing things bloom, rather than hoping the brown vegetation in my yard under the snow and ice somehow survived the winter. I prefer exercising outside, walking or bike riding, over some grueling, boring cardio machine. I am more of a beach bum and hippie at heart than I am a mountain man and survivalist.

Furthermore, I like my freedom and I want to be able to go outside at will, without a bunch of preparation to protect myself against the elements. I love going to outdoor festivals and music venues, and eating meals on the patio. So many of my favorite activities are only doable a few short months out of the year.

According to the experts, S.A.D. can usually be diminished, if not totally overcome, with exercise, outdoor activity on sunny days, and light therapy. I would add something else. It is important to have something that you have to do and some things that you enjoy doing. Once our minds are refocused onto meaningful activity, the weather conditions will become less important, like an invisible computer program running in the background while you are doing something else.

If you think of the winter that way, it really doesn’t affect most things you want to do. Don’t give it more attention than it deserves. When it comes down to it, a lot of things affect our mental and emotional health, but it is up to us to find ways to manage our own sense of wellbeing.

There are some good things about winter too, like Christmas, (for our family) a slew of birthdays in January and February, the Winter Festival in Cedarburg, and the snow sculpting competition in Lake Geneva. Winter gives us income tax refunds, chili, grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup, and hot chocolate. We don’t have to cut the grass or rake leaves. Instead, we can start a fire in the fireplace or turn on our electronic fireplace, read a good book, and snuggle with our favorite fur baby. Or we can cocoon on the couch with a snack, some blankets, and the love of our life as the snow falls outside while we watch Beachfront Bargain Hunters and plan our retirement in Florida.

For me, winter is a great time to get caught up on several writing projects, like this column.

 

This column was published in The Kenosha News, February 5, 2017.

Image credit:Babbletrish. Creative Commons.

 

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Music Rant

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record playerAs I get older, I have a hard telling if I am getting wiser or just crankier, more discerning or just out of touch. Nowhere is that more apparent than in my taste in music.

I once heard Justin Hayward (front man of The Moody Blues and solo artist) say that we always gravitate to the music of our youth. That seems pretty obvious. Younger people are huge consumers of music. They probably have more time to listen to it. They  seem to really enjoy having something plugged into their ears, rather interacting with with real life. I suppose they feel the need to find some emotional validation more that we oldsters and they want something they can move to.

I am fairly serious about my music, periodically looking for music from new artists to expand my tastes, and tunes from old artists that I may have overlooked on my playlist.

When the old stuff comes on the shuffled playlist, it is usually a delightful little feeling. It’s something familiar, something that reminds of what was going on when I was a teenager, something I know I like. The Moody Blues are a great example of that. Patty and I listened to their melodic, prog rock, sometimes drug induced sounds from their thematic albums as we snuggled on the couch in her parent’s family room. They were, and still are unique.

There is nothing that will ever take that beautiful, youthful memory from me. The Moodies still tour, as does Heyward as a solo act, even though they are in their upper sixties and seventies. We have seen them twice. They are still great, still rock, still have good vocal quality, and can still get the crowd in a sold out theater on their feet for the majority of the concert. The local chiropractors are probably inundated with calls the next day. I could fill a page with other classic artists that I love, but I would rather rant.

I wonder if most of the young women artists could sing with their clothes on.

I am weary of the catchy, meaningless hooks that junior high girls love singing together over and over.

I don’t how female singers can dance wearing rediculously high heeled boots. I don’t understand why every music act has to also be a dance act that includes a whole troupe of dancers. I weary of the computer generated sounds put together by some producer who thinks it is music. It all seems very inauthentic and devised to connect with a young audience that no longer knows what music really is. It doesn’t seem like art flowing from the heart of a musician. 

It is overproduced and formulaic with an over dependence upon a hip hop beat, a catching hook, vacuous lyrics, and a bizarre stage act. We have had enough hunky country boys wearing tight jeans and singing about partying and enough underdressed adolescent girls shaking their booty. These acts are more stage show than music. I am actually in favor of a concert being a total artistic experience, but I want to see the music being made.

I feel better now.

I do like some new music and I am always looking for it. I like those artists who take something familiar and freshen it up. Alabama Shakes comes to mind or Nathaniel Ratecliff and the Nightsweats. It is still fun and still makes you want to move. At least it it real music with real people playing real instruments, singing about something from their heart.

Here is a link to an article that got me thinking about this.

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Don’t Let Anyone Should on You (Column Version)

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expectaions

My column in the Kenosha News, last Monday:

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.— Howard Thurman

What makes you feel alive?

You may be able to answer quickly, or you might have to think long and hard.

I didn’t ask what you do for a living. I didn’t ask about your family or friends.

In a best-case scenario, your job would be something you find fulfilling and invigorating. Hopefully, there are parts of your vocational responsibilities that really resonate with you.

Relationships give life meaning. It is so much more fun, if you have someone with you to share an experience. The best part of seeing something beautiful is sharing it with someone you love, and discussing it with them. The best part of a joke is re-telling it, and watching someone laugh.

But let’s go a little deeper.

What breathes life into your soul and refreshes you?

For me, it is writing, saying something that is so honest, other people wish they had said it.

In past jobs, I have loved relating to people, leading teams to accomplish something big, and communicating creatively.

These are vocational passions.

But, as we know, all work and no play is unhealthy. So, we need diversions, things that refresh us when we take a break from those vocational activities.

I find that type of refreshment in being outdoors, walking or biking, in being on the beach, in photography, in reading, in travel, in experiencing great art, music, movies, and festivals.

In all honesty, many people never get around to thinking about these things. Life is so busy, and our responsibilities are so heavy, thinking about what invigorates us seems like a guilty pleasure.

Unfortunately, certain people believe it is their mission in life to tell you what you “should’” or “ought” to do. That’s demoralizing, presumptuous, and just plain wrong. Nobody likes it.

That attitude presumes that another person knows as much, or even more about you, than you do yourself. Such people are usually heavy on opinion, and short on facts. It’s pushy to try to impose your paradigm on someone else.

There are a few rare appropriate occasions for “shoulds” and “oughts,” But, they are way over used.

My advice is to not let anyone “should,” on you, and you certainly, shouldn’t “should” on yourself.

If you give your full attention to your passion, it would probably scare the heck out of some people, as they begin to see the power of you being who you were meant to be.

I am not advocating that you call your boss tomorrow and quit your day job so you can move to Hollywood to become a movie star. I am advocating that you do a gut check to see if you are on track to being who you really are. Then you can take some baby steps like self-evaluation, vocational fact-finding and beginning your pursuit one step at a time.

Once you find your inner driving force, it will not be all sweetness and light. It will be a battle, but, at least, it’s a battle you really care about.

Some would say this is simply embracing unrealistic ideas for employment. I say you will be best at what you care about the most. The world will be a better place, if you are in the right place. Those people who are really good at what they do, love their job.

What have you enjoyed and been good at in the past? What do you think about in the shower? What is your go-to way of looking at things or thinking about them? What gives you the greatest emotional payback? What is the way you help people or make the world a better place? If you didn’t have geographical or financial limitations, what would you like to do?

There is amazing power in getting aligned with who you really are, rather than trying to fulfill someone else’s expectations. It takes knowing yourself, and a lot of courage, and perseverance, but you can do it.

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The Power of the Narrative

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story

Hold on! I am going to cover a lot of ground in just a few words.

We all have our narrative, our story. That story forms a grid through which we witness events and develop opinions.

Our stories are very powerful as a means of communication. That’s why a good story trumps a cold, outright approach to making a point every time.

The narrative, as a grid, is loaded with tremendous influence, because it colors how we understand everything.

People find other people who understand them, or at least, interpret events in pretty much the same manner as they do. It’s comforting and affirming to hang with like-minded people. It reassures us that we are not the only ones who feel a certain way about things. We are not crazy, because there are others like us. We have a tribe. Tribes have a collective narrative.

We need a narrative, but there is a huge danger with exclusively embracing it as our grid. It closes us off to other perspectives. That’s unfortunate, because our narratives, and the greater tribal narratives always have huge blind spots. That’s why we need to venture outside of our tribal comfort zones and try to understand some other narratives.

While there are innumerable smaller tribes, we have allowed ourselves to be herded into two tribes, liberal and conservative. Both are polarizing and both are getting more extreme all of the time. Unfortunately, many observers believe our nation to be more divided than ever.

When the political and the religious are thrown into the cultural blender, and eventually they always are, the resultant concoction is something that reeks of self-righteousness and demonization of their opponents. Grace is always left out of the recipe, as is self-examination. Then the two mega tribes can adopt the language of religiosity for further support.

We have personal narratives, tribal narratives, and mega narratives, but there is also a prevailing narrative. The prevailing narrative is a tribal narrative that is embraced by the media, everything from cable news networks to tweets on Twitter.

This prevailing narrative is supported by individual narratives that capture our collective attention. They are ingrained in our minds by slogans and symbols that focus on lingering cultural sins that should have been corrected long ago.

Our cultural sensitivities are so heightened at these times that we zoom in one aspect of an issue, and never get around to a holistic discussion and action that actually improves people’s lives. Some aspects of the discussion are usually deemed off limits.

Our obsession with these societal sins is so uneven that it is bewildering.

  • A focus on unnecessary police violence and the need for better training is good, but what about focusing on the root causes of violence in our poorest communities?
  • Making smoking tobacco uncool because of its harmful effects on our health is great, but why is legalized marijuana and alcohol use so cool?
  • The outcry over Cecil, the lion’s death was spot on, but where is the outcry over selling aborted human baby parts?

Mega narratives turn us into pack animals, so that it is very difficult to survive as an individual with an opinion that does not align with a mega narrative or a prevailing narrative.

Granted, it’s really hard to think of somebody that we regarded as a threat to be a person who is really a lot like us, an individual who has his or her own narrative that has, unfortunately, been subdued to aligning with a mega narrative.

Photo Credit: umjanedoan Creative Commons

 

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Make Your Own Cheese

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cheese

Here is my column from Monday’s Kenosha News.

Being Wisconsin, I could have entitled this column “Make Your Own Beer,” but there is a fair chance you are already doing that. Or, I might have used the title “Make Your Own Sausage,” but nobody really wants to see sausage being made. So, I will stick with, “Make Your Own Cheese.”

The metaphor has its origins in my education as a pastor. I vividly remember a homiletics (the art of preaching and writing sermons) professor from many years ago, saying, “Gentlemen (It was not an egalitarian denomination.), milk a lot of cows, but make your own cheese.” It’s a quaint, archaic, rural Midwestern, way of saying, “Do a lot of research, but write your own sermon.” He was also reminding us not to plagiarise.

I listen to WPR/NPR everyday as I get ready in the morning. Then, I usually tune into Fox News as I am eating lunch to make sure nothing earth-shattering has happened since I listened to WPR/NPR earlier that morning.

I suspect, half of the readers of this column think I am an idiot because of my NPR habit, and the other half think I am an idiot because I watch Fox News. Well, that settles it. Now everyone thinks I am an idiot. I tell people that I am either totally schizophrenic, or perfectly balanced.

But, I am neither. That’s just me “milking cows.” I milk lots of other cows, too, but I try hard to “make my own cheese.”

My concern is that far too many Americans are neither milking multiple cows, nor making their own cheese.

It’s so easy to gravitate to one news source that we are comfortable with. It’s easy to have a favorite news show host, a so-called news analyst, who really is an entertainer talking about current events.

It is easy to be filled with outrage as he parades the most outlandish example of the abuses of “the other side” before your eyes as something or someone to be ridiculed, feared, and stridently opposed. He exhorts you to get fired up and “for the sake of our nation’s wellbeing, to uphold the values that were set forth by our founding fathers, and defended by the brave men and women in our military.”

Our two-party system also encourages you to choose a side, Democrat or Republican, liberal or conservative. It’s convenient. If you get your news from limited sources, you don’t have to think for yourselves. The same is true, if you buy into party politics. Just do as you are told.

Each side has some good ideas and some bad ones. But, when either side is un-tempered by other perspectives, the American people get shortchanged.

I am sick to death of the partisan hack guests on news shows that repeat the same old party mantra, rather than address the issue at hand, or even answer the question on the floor. Their response is designed to deflect, rather than enlighten. You can watch these people till the cows come home (staying with my metaphor) and learn zip about an important topic, which is intentionally lost in the idiotic political rhetoric.

It gets worse. A huge segment of the population is so fed up with the system, or willfully ignorant of how it functions that their only news sources may be Comedy Channel parody television shows or tweets from their friends. Yet, they are probably well informed about the Kardashians or Justin Beiber’s latest incident of adolescent acting out.

Some things are obvious. Fox News leans right. NPR leans left. MSNBC leans forward (whatever that means.) Bill O’Reilly and Ed Schultz are entertainers who fire up their fans and make their enemies mad to get ratings and make money. Steven Colbert is a brilliant satirist comedian, and Jon Stewart is looking for something real, but funny to ridicule on his show. The Democrat and the Republican parties are structures organized to wield power, money and influence to get people elected and partisan legislation enacted.

Try a different “cow,” every now and then. Sift through the rhetoric. Discern the error and embrace the truth, wherever you find them. Then, develop your own opinion.

Reposted from the Kenosha News, 7.14.14.

Photo credit. Infowidget. Creative Commons.

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Impersonalization

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impersonal

Something is wrong, very wrong! Something is missing. It is making us stupid. It is stressing our relationships. It is creating a gaping hole in the middle of our culture.

I see it every day. It’s in my face on the cable news networks as a Republican spokesperson and his or her Democrat counterpart go at it for three minutes on a complex issue, without ever saying anything that is the lest bit helpful or enlightening, as they spew forth a their party’s mantra.

I get it when I am taking care of family business, and I have a lot of family business, being the legal representative for my brother and my parents, and running two fledgling businesses. I hear it as the customer service representative recites the company mantra response to my question, indicating that she wasn’t listening to me, at all.

It’s there when my phone or computer chimes with a text message or email. While this form of communicating works well for some things, these days people are absolutely clueless about when it is appropriate to pick up the phone and communicate verbally in real time or face-to-face.

What is the common thread interwoven through these cultural maladies? They are shortcuts that contribute to the further impersonalization of our culture. People love shortcuts and time savers, but you miss a lot when you take a shortcut. In the shortcuts I described, you miss out on thinking for yourself and enjoying a real conversation and relationship with another human being. That’s why they are stupid shortcuts. When you do a cost-benefit analysis, you lose far more than you gain.

You might gain a little time savings, but you never figure out what you believe. You might avoid a long conversation, but you never get to know the other person. 

Image by Pep Sanchez. Creative Commons

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Old Guy Lessons

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50s manGetting older and having little to lose by expressing my opinion, has some real advantages. I have a lot of ideas and values that are very different than those I embraced in the first half of life. I like to write about these ideas once and awhile to help be define what I am learning and what I would like to pass on to others.

Be yourself. The best contribution we can make to the world is to be ourselves. Yet, being ourselves is the hardest thing to do because almost every force in our lives will try to get us to conform to expectations. Listen to your heart. God is at work within you and didn’t make any mistakes in your creation or your experiences.

Screw the system. Systems are rigged to expand their own influence and profitability. Adherents will almost always care more about the system and their position in the system than individuals. I am not advocating ignoring systems or even rebelling against them. That would make life in the civilized world impossible. Just be aware of their limitations and their self-interest. If a system really bothers you, come with an alternative that will one day make the old way irrelevant. That could become your life’s work.

Choose your friends carefully. Some relationships are toxic. Some people are manipulative. Some people are so needy that you could never become all they need and want. Don’t be afraid to establish some boundaries.   

Value individuals. Never give up on relationships and keep making new friends. Appreciate whatever level of relationship you have. Deeply value your friends. Learn to love your family members unconditionally.

Look for outsiders. There are multiple reasons to value the people that our society pushes to the margins. Jesus did. That’s a pretty good one. They need a little help, love, and friendship. Lastly, change comes from people who live the margins. People for whom the system is working seldom want to change it, but people who suffer its injustices are often passionate about changing it.

Stay at it. Life is full of twists and turns and unexpected surprises. The important things will require far more persistence, flexibility, and adjustment that we can ever imagine at the beginning of the process.

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Farmer’s Market Fringe

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marketLast Saturday, Patty I were selling Beadmomma  jewelry (my wife’s company) at a local farmer’s market. It is a beautiful location on Lake Michigan, with sailboats in their slips just a few yards behind us, a historical lighthouse visible as we looked down the street just across an inlet, and museums along the way. Different musicians were playing throughout the market’s array of venders of food, produce, flowers, bakeries, and all manner of fun things for sale. The weather was fabulous, sunny and mild, which may be why the crowd was huge and people seemed to be a such good mood. We had a good day of sales, to boot.

A man with Proteus syndrome (Elephant Man’s Disease) sat on the wall directly behind us eating lunch with people who I think were his family. I reminded myself not to stare, and also, not to avoid looking his direction, which made me even more self-conscious about what my response should be. I love the fact that he had the courage to be there and apparently, he had a loving and supportive family. 

Doing these outdoor events with Patty is a lot of work. The canopy, tables, and all of the other stuff needed to set up our little store fills our SUV. Set up and take down each takes about an hour because of all of the little pieces of jewelry that need to be unpacked and displayed. Sitting outside, often in the sun, for several hours is draining too. So, when the market is over, we (and every other vender) are ready to get out of there in a hurry.

The market was over and we were putting things away when a small disheveled woman began looking over the jewelry that was still on display. Her comments were over the top about how beautiful everything was, what a bargain it was, and so forth. She talked non-stop and was oblivious to the unwritten rules about personal space. She was mentally ill. The poor soul talked about how she needed something to wear to the jazz and blues festival that evening. We got the feeling that she used to a part of the high society crowd.

She had no money, but pulled out a credit card. So, I was attempted to log into our iPhone credit card app, but could not seem to get the password right. I am sure that it had something to do with her nonstop chatter a few inches from my nose. Finally, I was locked out of the app. She was disappointed. I apologized and directed her to a restaurant just a few yards away for an ATM, but she moved on to talk to another vender who was also trying pack up her stuff. After she left, Patty and I had decided to give her the necklace, but we couldn’t find her. It was an afterthought and we were too slow to come up with the idea.

We still were not done with our day there. We had almost all of the jewelry put away when an 86-year-old grandmother and her two granddaughters showed up. The granddaughters had been by our tent earlier, but their grandma was at the other end of the market and unable to walk that far. So, they drove her several blocks around the pedestrian plaza to our end of the market. She wanted ear rings and finally decided on two pair. Patty changed the ear rings to clip-ons on the spot for her since her ears were not pierced. Grandma kept looking trying to find gifts for others in her family. She was a slow shopper, but she and her granddaughters were really sweet. We were the last of about a hundred venders to get out of there.

The man with the deformity, the mentally ill lady, and the slow shopping grandma are people who deserve our patience, kindness, and love.

I was  reminded we each share the same ultimate value and worth. 

It was a good day at the market!

 

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Demystifying Hope

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“You can live forty days without food, four days without water, four minutes without air, but not even four seconds without hope.” – Anonymous

Hope Described

It is laborious and depressing to try to muddle on when you feel hopeless. In my own precarious situation, I have noticed that the slightest development can ever so easily tip my emotional scales one way or the other. Yet, I believe hope is more than a half-hearted, wistful, emotional aspiration.

Hope is grounded in belief. For me, those beliefs include a loving God who was outlandish, unexpected, and extravagant in the way he loved through Jesus; and that love story is not over. As a matter of fact, I get to soak up his love and transfer it on to others right now; and if things fall apart, I am reminded that it is not the last chapter and I will never be abandoned by this loving God.

Hope is an attitude. Like the UHF dial on a 1970’s TV, it has to be constantly adjusted and carefully tuned in. A little change in weather and the signal gets fuzzy. It takes a constant adjustment process for our attitude to reflect our beliefs and not our emotions.

Hope is rooted in reality. Real hope has a real chance of really happening. Pie-in-the-sky hope, like a limp handshake; is less than sincere. Hope needs a real object that we are focused on and consumed by.

Hope is very hard work. Laboring to make our hope a reality, will probably be your life’s work. Everybody has hopes and dreams, but most people die with them being unrealized. Perhaps, even more people die having pushed them out of their minds because they perceived them to be undoable or unrealistic. Honestly, it will take more tenacity and flexibility than you can currently imagine for your hopes to be realized.

Hope Applied

My hope is fueled by anger and frustration. Let me explain.

Our nation is locked in a polarized nightmare of paralysis with unsustainable debt, out of control healthcare costs, runaway, and decreasing world influence. The church is suffering from sexual scandals, shrinking memberships, a perceived loss of relevance, and the irony that many people are unable to make the connection between it and Christ. Our educational system, based on a medieval model, is a prohibitively expensive long-term commitment, unreasonable for many of today’s workers, and questionable in its effectiveness in preparing people for real jobs. Customer service has become a sadly inadequate, excessively automated, cost-saving, half-hearted, insincere attempt, which all too often, is totally frustrating. Social service in our nation is difficult to navigate, poorly coordinated, increasingly hard to sustain, and locked into a client/provider paradigm that assaults the dignity of those who use it. We can and must do better. There is a global awakening to the fact that many of our societal institutions are simply no longer serving us well.

My hope to address our urgent need for boldness and creativity lies not with those in positions of power, but with those who can find no place or no longer desire a place in the power structures of our culture. I stand in solidarity with my brother and sister outsiders. I have an unshakable belief that many of these people who have been shut or who have opted out of the power structures and conventions of our society are the visionaries who will become entrepreneurs that help the rest of us find our way. It was probably the trauma of finding themselves on the outside that forced them into their new desire to forget what they left behind and to dream about and fight for what could and should be.

My role is to encourage and equip them however I can. 

I invite you to join me in becoming actively hopeful.

Originally posted January 16, 2012.

 

This post is one of many on the topic and is a partnership with Synchroblog and Provoketive Magazine. 

The Trouble With Hope: John Ptacek

Hope = Possibility x Imagination: Wayne Rumsby

Little Reminders: Mike Victorino

Where Is My Hope: Jonathan Brink

Hope for Hypocrites: Jeremy Myers

Now These Three Remain: Sonny Lemmons

Perplexed, But Still Hopeful: Carol Kuniholm

A Hope that Lives: Amy Mitchell

Generations Come and Generations Go: Adam Gonnerman

God in the Dark: On Hope: Renee Ronika Klug

Keeping Hope Alive: Maurice Broaddus

Are We Afraid to Hope?: Christine Sine

On Wobbly Wheels, Split Churches and Fear: Laura Droege

Adopting Hope: Travis Klassen

Hope is Held Between Us: Ellen Haroutunian

Hope: In the Hands of the Creatively Maladjusted: Mihee Kim-Kort

Paradox, Hope and Revival: City Safari

Good Theology Saves: Reverend Robyn

Linear: Never Was, Never Will Be: Kathy Escobar

Better Than Hope: Liz Dyer

Caroline for Congress: Hope for the Future: Wendy McCaig

Fumbling the Ball on Hope: KW Leslie

Content to Hope: Alise Wright

Hope: Oh, the Humanity!: Deanna Ogle

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Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish

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[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1R-jKKp3NA&w=640&h=480]

Steve Jobs made me do it! In his 2005 commencement speech at Stanford he told three stories from his life that wound up shaping his future. They were about dropping out of college, getting fired from Apple, and being told he only had a short while to live. When he dropped out of college, he dropped in on the classes that interested him. When he got fired, he was free to take chances and to create without the worries of trying to be successful. When faced with his imminent death, he determined to only do those things that really mattered to him.

His speech made me wonder what I would say if given the opportunity to speak to graduates or give advice to my children. What three things would I say? Here they are.

Don’t let people’s expectations shape your life.

Somebody once asked me, “Why don’t you to college so you can amount to something?” She not only had a warped view of human worth, she tried to force her expectations on me. I told her that I didn’t have to go to college to amount to something, though I did graduate with a degree.

I have found it hard to find out who I really am. No doubt, being a pastor for most of my life had something to do with that, but now I flat out refuse to be squeezed into someone else’s mold. I lost way too much time listening to conventional wisdom and being compliant. I was not being true to myself. There is no more important pursuit than finding out who you are and fumbling your way to into your true personal identity.

Relationships are the most valuable thing in life.

When I was a pastor, my family life conformed to congregational expectations. That meant that my kids sat through a lot of boring meetings, had extra pressure on them to behave, and it meant that I wasn’t there for them if church duties called. That’s sad because it is relationships that enrich our lives. Even pursuing our personal identity becomes meaningless, if we are alone in doing so. 

Living life meaningfully will take far more perseverance than you think.

I lost my dream, the dream of a cutting edge church that connected with people on a real life level. Eventually, I found myself closing the church that I had tried to start.

There isn’t much in life that goes according to plan. We have to re-evaluate and re-tool many times. Our goals will be thwarted again and again. There will be many times that we will want to give up, run away, or react in a way that will not serve us well. But there always is a bright side, a new direction, something even more meaningful ahead and it is up to us  to find it.

Originally posted November 9, 2010.

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Anger

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Is it bad to get angry?  Contrary to what I was taught, no, it is not. It is not bad to let your anger control you? Yes.

And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. (Ephesians 4:26)

Anger is a natural response to being threatened in some way. What we do with the response can be very destructive or very noble.

If I have a fight with my wife and I lash out with a knee-jerk, hurtful reaction; that is destructive. If, on the other hand, I calmly express my perspective in a way that does not assault her character and think further about the matter when I have had a little time to settle down, that is good. Perhaps, I would see an error in my ways that I would admit to her. Or, perhaps there is a concern that is important enough to broach again at a better time. That is a positive response.

The negative side of anger has received a lot of attention, but the positive side has been neglected. Frustration and even, anger is the mother of invention.  I know that it is more commonly said that necessity is the mother of invention, but I think it is our frustration and anger that leads us to the point that we believe something new is necessary.

The key is for our angry frustration to trigger a commitment to do something about that thing that upsets us and hence, get on the solution side of the issue.

Should we be angry about child abuse? Should we be angry about ethnic cleansing? Should we be angry about religious terrorism? Should we be angry people starving to death and dying of easily preventable diseases? Should we be angry about our high rate or unemployment and underemployment? Should we be angry about corrupt governments?

There are a host of things that really should stir us up. Unfortunately, the enormity of the issues can leave us feeling helpless. Compassion fatigue from constant exposure to these injustices through our media can leave us feeling numb. Being personally untouched by these injustices allows us to be happily ignorant of them and being overwhelmed with the responsibilities of daily life can leave with little time or energy to even begin to think about these things.

Not everybody is equally moved by every injustice, but there is something that gets to each of us. Once our anger ferments just long enough, a lovely wine of action, involvement, and a solution orientation can emerge.

There is something that you should be angry about. What is it? What are you going to do about it?

Originally posted October 26, 2011.

 

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Rage

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Last Saturday  I was picking up Patty at the door of our local Wal-Mart when I saw a grocery cart stall out right in the middle of the very busy main lane of the parking lot.

The guy in the car in front of me, yells out, “So, you’re just gonna leave it there? What are you thinking? What’s the matter with you? Idiot!”

As I was returning from properly parking our empty cart, I grabbed the errant cart and deposited into the corral of cart correctness.

Am raging about the stupidity of the person who launched the cart into the lane of traffic or the person who screamed at him about it. Both. All it would take to resolve the great dilemma of the errant cart is 30 seconds and a few functioning brain cells.

Later that evening, we joined my son’s family in celebrating our daughter-in-law’s birthday at a very popular suburban Chicago seafood restaurant. She was twenty-nine again.  The girls were inside, but my son and I were still outside, having just parked the car. Nearby, a car pulled in beside a car that was pulling out and we heard that awful sound sheet metal scraping and creasing.

One guy jumped out of his late model crossover and began yelling, You hit my f….ing car. The other guy quickly responded after jumping out of his late model crossover, You hit my f…ing car. They continue to f…ing scream at each other. Then the lady in one of the cars also starts screaming that there are kids in the car and they shouldn’t be screaming like that. So, now there were three people screaming! It went on and on. I thought the two guys would come to blows.

I get the adrenalin-fueled knee jerk reaction that tries to get us to run one way or the other, depending on how we size up the threat. But I am thinking all would be resolved with a conversation something like this, “Man, you hit my car. The police will not investigate on private property, let’s exchange information and we can get this sorted out with the insurance companies tomorrow.” Then take a picture with your phone and eat your dinner.

So, what’s with all of the anger? Do we feel that people are out to get us? Is it a reflection of economic hard times and the accompanying stress? Is it a carryover of the partisan rancor of our politics and media? Is it the result of being kicked around one too many times? Is it a total breakdown of cultural ethos that considers a new level of acted out rage to be acceptable?